Telephone hell

Let me share with you an actual conversation I had today:


Jeroen Breukels:

Hi, this is jeroen.


Voice on the other side:

Sir! Good afternoon and congratulations!


Jeroen Breukels:

Thank you! now tell me why you are congratulating me.


Voice on the other side:

Sir, are you aware what supports you every single day of your life? What is always there for you?


Jeroen Breukels:

You better not say "god" to me.


Voice on the other side:

Even better. Your floor sir! Your floor is like a steady rock in your home experience.


Jeroen Breukels:

no shit eh..


Voice on the other side:

Sir, for something so significant in your life, it deserves to be taken care of and to be nurtured. It is the least we can do! don't you agree?


Jeroen Breukels:

Are we still talking about my floor?


Voice on the other side:

Most definately. We provide the means to you for taking care of your floors. with special high-grade oils from India, we are able to transform your wooden floors into a gorgeous wonder of interior decor.


Jeroen Breukels:

That would be quite a trick....



Voice on the other side:

Yes wouldn't it!


Jeroen Breukels:

... especially considering I have carpet throughout my house.



Voice on the other side:

*silence* ...... Sir, do you mean to tell me you have not experienced the joy of genuine wooden floors? The material from the bussem if mother nature itself??


At this point, i can tell she's switching into telemarketing overdrive. the fact that she gets so over excited can mean but two things. She is either genuinely passionate about wooden floors... or she is so used to be blown off in seconds, this is the longest conversation she has ever had with a potential client, she smells success. Little does she know, her enthusiasm over something so mundane as a wooden floor has spiked my curiosity into the mind of this voice on the other side of the phoneline. What goes on in her head??? we continue


Jeroen Breukels:

No I have no wooden floors, perhaps the red cross can be of assistence to undo this injustice!


Voice on the other side:

haha sir, you are funny. but a wooden floor is no laughing matter. Neither is the fact that you are extemely lucky.


Jeroen Breukels:

Really? Just a second ago i was doomed.


Voice on the other side:

On the contrary, I can make you an offer you cannot refuse. If you decide now, i can offer you a spectacular deal on our royal castle hardwood floorsystem.


Jeroen Breukels

Your floor is a "system"?


Voice on the other side:

Yes, it may sound expensive, but it is guaranteed to last at least fifty years!!


Jeroen Breukels:

Good god woman! fifty years? Let me ask you something. How old are you?


Voice on the other side:

eh.. 22.


Jeroen Breukels:

Now imagine all the things you have done so far. Al your years from kindergarten to now... all the joys.. all the sorrows... the summers and the winters.... 22 years is a pretty long time right?


Voice on the other side:

Eh, yes.....


Jeroen breukels:

Can you name one material thing that has been constant through all that time. something you have owned for the entire 22 years?


Voice on the other side:

eh..... no.....


Jeroen Breukels:

And you are telling me to buy something that lasts more than twice your age?? Seriously, in 50 years, I will be 82 years old! I will have lived an entire lifetime, travelled millions of kilometers, had thousands of meals and loved a lifetime. and you are telling me that through this entire lifetime, i will be sitting on the same wodden floor???


Voice on the other side:

eh.. well sir, you have to understand....


Jeroen Breukels:

Hang on there .... imagine I am on my floor at 80 years old! can you imagine me calling you up: Yeah remember you sold me this floor 48 years ago? well, i just made a dent!! can you come over and replace my floor please? Yeah I know you are 70 years old, but you promised!!!


Voice on the other side:

Well we have....


Jeroen Breukels:

Do you have even the faintest inkling how stupid an argument it is to say a freakin floor will last 50 years? Its me giving you unlimited access to mars! its a really big place, you know! Moronic!


Voice on the other side:

*silence*...


Jeroen Breukels:

Bushfires, vulcanic eruptions, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, grid lock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabbies, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampeeds, bank failures, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, heat, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, the plague, failures of will, chain reactions, foot rot, voodoo curses, broken glass, snake bites, public ridicule, breach of contract, random violence, family scandals, charletans, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, frostbite, metal fatigue, sneak attacks, peer pressure, birth defects, false advertisement, unfaithful children, corporal punishment, vigilantes, financial ruin, mildew, loss of priviliges, drugs, wide spread chaos, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical burn, locusts, food poisoning, shipwrecks, prowlers, faulty stairs, carbon deposits, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, intestinal bleeding, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled worshippers, global warming, large sharks, rotten meat, broken promises, contamination of the wattersupply, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rqampaging moose, cluster headaches, social isolation, lou garrets desease, the contraction of the universe, papercuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of god and paranoia! and through all that which life will throw at me....... you are actually telling me...... that the one thing which will be there no matter what... the one thing which will keep me sane..... is my damn hardwood floor????


Voice on the other side:

Well... eh.....


Jeroen Breukels:

I suggest this is wherewe hang up the phone. Hang up the phone and get another job!


Voice on the other side:

I see... oh my...


Jeroen Breukels:

I know, its a shock to suddenly see.


Voice on the other side:

wow... i need...


Jeroen Breukels

Yes you do. I wish you the best of luck.





That last sentence was in vain as the connection was already broken from the other end and ony a beep was to be heard. my work was done! I can't wait for the next telemarketer to call me *GRIN*



~Jeroen Breukels

Last thoughts from China

I feel I have to say something about the Olympic games. Surely, you are aware that the 2008 olympic games will be held in Beijing. Every facet of life in Beijing is currently dominated by the Olympic games. I myself am NOT a sportsfan. I feel that sports is something you need to do, not watch. I’d rather watch paint dry than sit through an entire match of soccer.

Only once in my life have I actually enjoyed watching a sports match. It was a baseball game in Philadelphia. This was basically because it was a big place, I was with people I enjoyed being with and for most of the time, I had no idea what was going on. Now that’s entertainment. Discussing endlessly weather or not some player’s ankle has healed properly to me is about as fun as having my nipple bitten off by a beaver. No thank you.

But there it is: the Olympic games. And its being painted onto Beijing like a fresh coat of paint on a rusty barge. Leave the barge alone! It may be rusty, but it has character! Its beautiful. No one needs an Ipod in a classic ford T-bird okay! But the end of my dismay was a long way off. The peak of my Olympic discomfort had yet to reach its spectacular height. It came to me when I visited the Great Wall of China. As I climbed the first steps and felt that any second the stunning view of a few kilometres of great wall snaking through a luscious valley below would be revealed to me, my elation died and sank into my shoes when I laid eyes on a relentless monstrosity which was placed in plain view. I giant, hollywood-like sign sporting the logo of the Olympic games. To the side of the symbol the sign read: “One World One Dream”. Yeah that’s exactly what we need. One world having only one dream! Lets just all conform and have the same damn dream. Give me a break! I wonder what all those millions of people who built the great wall would have thought. I’ll bet you all of those people only had one dream. Right before they were plastered into the very wall we are all walking on. It’s a damn sacrilege!

So I would like to appeal to the Chinese people, all 1.3 billion of you. Yes I am now talking directly to the people of china (if only they could read this, all blogs are banned in china and blocked from the internet). Please, set sail for the Great Wall of China in Balading. Gather as many people as you can and set fire to that sign! It has no place there. There is no room for a starbucks in the louvre! We do not want a McDonalds in the Taj Mahal! Some places deserve our respect!

Jeroen Breukels

And yet even more thoughts from China

Usually, when I visit another country, I try to at least speak a few small words of the native language. Perhaps I have the illusion I’ll blend and experience the place for what it really is. This illusion was never more ridiculous as it was in China.

Before I flew to Beijing, I practiced on a few words of Chinese, just what I learned off the internet. And boy, did I come up short! Apart from “Nihau”, not a single word I spoke was understood by my Chinese friends! They just stared at me and smiled politely. Much later I learned that a single word can have as much as five completely different meanings, just by pronouncing them differently. And these differences are far from obvious. They are extremely subtle. I felt like I had a fat tongue, making a complete hash of everything I said!

“Hi I poop walk dishwasher from here to India completely sleep horse walk surely smile!” This must be how I sounded to many of the Chinese I tried to converse with. Looking back, it’s funny as hell. I just wish a chinese tourist would come up to me in Amsterdam and talk to me like that. We’d be friends for life!

Jeroen Breukels

Even more thoughts from China

I am standing on the Great Wall of China and I am thinking about what someone on the street in Beijing told me about the wall. “You are not a real man until you have climbed the Great Wall of China!” Now I can imagine all kinds of initiation rites into becoming a man, and they are all far more taxing than climbing a brick wall. Not to be mistaken, I am in complete AWE over the Great Wall of China. But not over the workout it provides while walking on it. No I am in awe over its construction!

The Great Wall Of China stretches over 6700 kilometers! That’s the same distance as from Los Angeles to Iceland! From New York to Rio de Janeiro! Seriously folks, that’s impressive! Moreover, the construction literally took many millions of people, of which about one million died during the construction. Their bodies buried within the wall. So not only is it a big wall, its also the biggest tomb in the world!

What blows my mind is the fact that today, we could never build such a thing. You may think we are at the peak of our capabilities at this point in time with our space travel, DNA research, flat-screen TV’s, GPS navigation, voice-activated light switches, apple-flavoured dental floss, disposable cameras and chocolate body-paint kits. But to build something like the Great Wall of China, we simply don’t have the resources or the manpower to get it done. And even if we had, it would cost enough money to simultaneously bankrupt several medium-sized countries! It can’t be done anymore.

The Great Wall of China, The pyramids, the Taj Mahal… they are but a few examples of structures we cannot build anymore. So we need to be extra careful with the ones we have. Because when they are gone, all we are left with are merely condo’s, sheds and outhouses compared to these great structures.

Jeroen Breukels

More thoughts from China

This blog comes in the form of a question. Let me ask you good folks something: Have we turned into Lemmings, ladies and gentlemen? I will explain.

To me, travel is all about exploration. That is why I hardly ever go to a place twice unless A) I have to be there for work or friends or B) I haven’t explored the place enough the first time around and there are still things for me to see. Exploration is a solitary action. This doesn’t mean you do it alone though, a group of explorers works just as good. You go out into the big world and have mad adventures! Dangerous ones too! Seriously, people need a little danger in their lives. It will remind you why you are alive in the first place. Exploration, ladies and gentlemen, is the practice of stepping out in the dark and experience new experiences. I’m sure you agree. So what in the name of all that is good and holy are all these people doing on organized tours??

When I was visiting the Ming Tombs in China, everywhere I looked I saw groups of people calmly following tour guides holding out a little flag on a little pole. Every one of the obedient followers donned a red hat. This is done so the shepherd with the flag can keep his flock of sheep together. Like drones they huddle after the little flag, taking in the rich Chinese culture in convenient bite-size chunks. This is not exploration!

Imagine what the world would have looked like if Columbus landed in the new world, and he would have simply followed the little flag, wearing a red hat. “Hello everyone, lets welcome to the group… Christopher. He’s from Italy, but got booked through a spanish travel agent. What do you do for a living Mr. Columbus”. “Oh I am an entrepreneur, I look for new real estate to develop, you know…”.. “Oh that’s nice. Ladies and gentlemen, today we will be visiting an authentic native American village. We will experience canoe-making and have our picture taken with a real Indian chief!! Afterwards you are able to visit the gift shop and buy your very own peace pipe… or tomahawk… depending on your intentions. Please don’t forget to tip, thank you!” Give me a break!

Travel = exploration… exploration = freedom… freedom = excitement… excitement = danger! These are the four basic equations of the travelling man or woman! If I catch another group of drones being dragged along the worlds largest ball of twine, I am going to grab that little flag and have those lemmings march straight into a deep ravine! Thank you.

Jeroen Breukels

Thoughts from China

I have been spending some time in the People’s Republic of China, Beijing to be more exact, the political capitol of the country. This is a place which is interesting, beautiful and freighting all at the same time. First off, you have to remember that China is not a free country. It is not a democracy. And if you look carefully, you will notice, with increased frequency, what this means for a country.

When you first land in Beijing and you walk along Chang’An avenue down to Tiananmen square, you are almost convinced you are walking in a western city. Forget about what you may think about China being a country from the dark ages. Everything is very modern, from the giant neon signs all the way down to the McDonalds restaurants. But then, as you walk onto Tiananmen square, you see Mao’s giant portrait hanging over the entrance into the forbidden city, and you know you are not in New York City! All around the giant square, there are large buildings which look like those eastern European or Russian buildings you used to see in the movies in the 1980’s. You know, there would be a scene with the text: “In the meantime, at KGB headquarters in Moscow”. On the roof of these imposing buildings there are dozens of red flags flapping in the wind, reminding you of the communist roots of this country’s current administration.

But what gets to you the most is the enormous amount of military police in the streets. Especially on Tiananmen square. No matter where you look, the police is ever watchful. A giant black SWAT bus is always parked at the edge of the square, reminding you that as soon as the shit hits the fan, they will come into action and forcefully restore the peace. There is literally enough police to occupy Paris!

As I walked across the square I am left with a bizarre feeling. Only 18 years ago, this is where a giant massacre took place. It all seems so quiet and friendly now. Two shy Chinese girls ask if they can take their picture with me. Apparently, they have never seen a westerner before. People are sitting on the pavement reading books. Some are taking pictures and are enjoying the sun which warmed the tiles. But I know that 18 years ago, these very same tiles were not warmed by the sun but by blood that was spilled on them. I have a feeling that this tranquillity I experience is as thin as a hair. Even the slightest outburst, and this seemingly tranquil place turns into a battlefield. It is this sense of presence which frightened me most.

As I walk back along Chang’An avenue and I stop where the famous photo was taken of a man, carrying nothing more than a bag, boldly steps in front of a column of chinese-made type 59 tanks. The photo hit the international media like a slug from a cannon. The man became internationally known as “Tank Man”. To this day, the whereabouts of this man are unknown. Some say he lives in secrecy, some say he is still in a Chinese prison and some say he was sentenced to death and shot (in which case the Chinese government sends the bill for the bullet to the family of the executed. Nice touch!). I stand there for a while, recalling that picture. Other people are walking by not even paying an odd glance. Most Chinese people probably don’t even know. There is no way for them to learn what happened because the government censures everything. I tried to pull up a picture in my hotel room in China only to find out that every single site on the internet which could say something bad about China has been banned and blocked. Not even wikipedia can be consulted. Like I said, it’s a bizarre place.

I’m not one to assume I know how to run a country. Us westerners are always quick to state that democracy is the best form (or as Churchill put it: the least bad form) of government. But much as we are brought up with the idea of democracy, Chinese people are brought up under the wings of the state, a state which has totalitarian power. They will look at the situation quite differently. I am not even going to try and make a judgement call here. All I want to say is that for a Dutch boy like me, it was quite a trip.

Jeroen Breukels

Discrete flexibility

Discrete flexibility! Its a wonderful thing. It may souns a bit lewd, but its not what you think. Imagine, for instance, an inflatable bouncy castle with a bunch of kids jumping up and down on it. Then you know why its called a bouncy casle. The thing bounces and flexes all over the place! Now imagine you had to calculate the flexibility of that castle. Mesh it using very small elements and then have a supercomputer process the whole model, solving the millions of equations. It'll take a long time. trust me, I know!

Now why is calculating that bouncy castle so damn complex? Perhaps we are over-calculating? imagine you are a bouncy castle designer, do you really want to know at exactly what angle and amplitude every wrinkle and crevice occurs at which forces? No! You want to know wether one of the towers can collapse, and hit a kid in the baby-curled head!

Same with inflatable wings, I want to know how far it flexes. I dont need to know that at x = 0.65434 the third wrinkle is 0.263cm high. And of course, then only to find out I made a small error in one of the boundary conditions which renders the entire solution useless. All these numbers behind the decimal point give a fake sense of accuracy. When measuring the distance from Amsterdam to Paris, you don't use a 20cm ruler!

In comes discrete flexibility. Divide the beam up into a number of stiff discrete elements and join them together with springs. Write smart equations for the behavior of the springs, making them behave as inflatable beams. Et Voila! A fast running simulation! It may not be as exact as a FEM analysis can be, but its a hell of a lot quicker, and thus, far more intuitive.

Yes... I love discrete flexibility! I have some programming to do. Catch you later :)

Jeroen Breukels

Japan... I can't stop talking about it!

Last week I spent some time in the busy epicenter of the land of the rising sun: Tokyo. First of all, its an 11-hour flight from Amsterdam, which makes you kind weary. like a letter which has been photocopied over and over and over again. I exit the plane and immediately, the stark efficiency of Japan stuck me hard! no long lines, no trash... I was going through customs as smoothly as a snake in a bucket of Jello!

Now, Japan doesn't like to mix. they stick with their own things. their own food, their own humor, their own rites and idiosyncracies. Grown women dressed as barbidolls, men drinking and kissing eachother in bars (non-gay men! :P )Japan is a sight to behold.

But what struck me the most BY FAR, is how extremely friendly the japanese are! For instance, at the subway station, people actually missed their connections, just to show the way to a lost european. Some actially walked me half a mile to the correct platform. Every greet is accompanied by a small bow. Arigato! And get this... because the japanese think it is simply rude to directly take money from someone (even when you buy something in a store) they have a little tray in which you can put your money. After aother arigato, they will take the money from the tray and replace it with your change. its incredible. people who have a cold wear little cloth masks so they don't infect others. no crime... no graffiti.... no trash... I was walking at night in small Tokyo alleyways, and not once did I feel unsafe!

Tokyo is by far the busiest city I have ever been to. and that's saying something. I've been pretty far and wide across the globe. from Kuala Lumpur to Los Angeles. you think your city is busy? go to tokyo! Tokyo makes New York City look like a rural village! And yet, dispite the 37 million people that live so very very close to eachother, people just seem to get along fine! I don't know about you, but i think thats amazing!

The reason for this is nested in the mentality of the japanese people. Here in the west, we only know guilt. If you did something bad, its your fault and you are guilty. But guilt is something outside of you. you're never guilty until caught, right? Other people bestow guilt on you. And guilt is simply transferrable. oh no I'm not responsible..! it's his fault!

The Japanese have no guilt, they have shame. When a japanese person does something bad, he is not found guilty.. he is ashamed! and shame is personal. it is something within yourself. it is undenyable and non-transferrable. and that is a major difference in morality between the european/american public and the japanese!

Having spent nearly a week in the Tokyo madness, i can only say that we as westeners have a lot to learn from our japanese friends! except for the food... that all looks like different collored snot to me! haha.. but then, i am a straightly meat-n-potatoes kind of guy! that's my guilt.. maybe even my shame!

Jeroen Breukels

The poldermodel is dead.... oh Rita!

Last thursday, Rita Verdonk (former minister) was evicted from her party. Mark Rutten and the VVD were finally sick of Rita's contiuous attempts to undermine the leadership and structure of the party. In itself, this little three-line newsbyte might not be THAT interesting. However, I feel that finally, with the expulsion of Rita, we have killed off the very dutch "poldermodel"

For the uninitiated (read: non-dutch), the poldermodel is a form of government which was very popular in the Netherlands in the 1990s. In essence, it said that everyone... and i do mean EVERYONE.. had to have their say in the decision-making proces. Now, this sounds fantastic and extremely democratic, but in practice it meant: meetings that go on for days... and ultimately: indecisiveness.

So we find ourselves with a tricky dilemma. A compromise must be reached between democracy and decisiveness. A compromise not easily made! Tempers run high and views are as diverse as the people who fight to support them. So where do we stand?

last thursday, Rita voiced her opinion. One could argue as to the motivation of her argument. It is no secret that she wants to obtain leadership of the VVD and therefore, undermining the current leader Mark Rutten can be considered to her advantage. But motivation does not disqualify an argument. The poldermodel would allow her to have her say no matter what the outcome is, wether it be indecisiveness or the fulfilment of an ambition. But political Holland has made a decision. Rita is expelled from the party... the poldermodel is now officially dead. to be filed in the large cabinet of failed experiments. Lets just hope we are left with proper decisiveness, because decisiveness doesn't necessarily mean the right decisions are made.

Jeroen Breukels

Madness redefined

Here in the Netherlands, the traffic is considered a hot topic, many kilometers of car after car waiting to pass yet another infrastructural bottleneck on their way to work. Politicians fiercely debate the topic, experts claim to know better and citizens are saying it has all gone to hell in a hand basket.

Amidst this mayhem one would almost forget to put our dismay in perspective. I myself have had the opportunity to experience traffic on a whole new level of chaos, for I have spent a few days in the big city that is New Delhi, India!

Right as you step of the plane, you know you are in a different place. And I’m not talking about “the next state” different, no I mean you have now set foot on another planet! Right off the bat, the heat hits you like a freight train! It is like trying to breathe cotton. You work your way through an airport which, judging from the chaos, must be on fire! There are people running and yelling everywhere. But no fire can be seen though, it’s just another day at the New Delhi International Airport.

However, nothing can prepare you for the shock as you first sit down in a New Delhi taxi and speed away to enter the mayhem. First of all, safety laws are quite different from the west. The cars that they drive there are amazing. They don’t have a single safety feature whatsoever and you can sense that if you are going to hit a blade of grass at 4 kilometers per hour, the car will completely collapse with you in it!

We enter traffic and the sight of it all just leaves you in awe. Never have I seen such break-neck maneuvers in such close succession. Cars swaying left and right, passing each other at great speeds. Bikes, mopeds, horses, taxis, lorries, people on foot, there is no order to be discovered in their motion. With every change of direction, every switch of lanes it is apparently mandatory to honk your car horn as long and as loud as possible. At a green light, everyone simultaneously hits their gas pedal and like angry lions let loose from a cage, the bulk of traffic lunges ahead, almost hitting other traffic in crossing directions which decided that the first 5 seconds of a red light is also green. Traffic in New Delhi is like a living entity, a monster that never sleeps and can kill you in a heartbeat any second it wishes.

As we hammered through the city centre on our route to the great bazaar, I notice little kids on the side of the road, sleeping only a few centimeters from traffic rushing by. You have to ask yourself, what is human life worth? At a traffic light, a group of little children notice me sitting in the back of a cab. They only have two thoughts: 1) that guy is a westerner so he must be a billionaire. And 2) I have to do whatever I can to convince him to give me his money! As they literally bang their little fists on my window, I look into their smudged and hungry faces. I have never felt so ashamed in my life. I have gone pretty far and wide across the globe, but I have never seen anything like this. I am literally stunned, frozen into position. And I felt ashamed again when I noticed relief within me as the taxi started moving again. I never looked back, I didn’t dare.

At this point, the madness of New Delhi traffic is starting to sink in. My taxi driver cuts off two mopeds and nearly kills an entire family. I hardly bat an eyelash. Perhaps we in the west are used to more broad boundaries between life and death. A much bigger safety zone if you will. Here, we are taught to wear a seatbelt, otherwise we might hit one of seven different airbags too hard. In India, the safety zone is far smaller. Something isn’t called a near-accident unless cars literally exchanged paint.

So next time you are in traffic, waiting for the matrix signs to update you on exactly how many more minutes you will have to sit in your air-conditioned car, please remember that here in the Netherlands, there is no such thing as traffic problems. At the most, we have traffic inconveniences.

Jeroen Breukels

Gliding on air

A few weeks ago the opportunity presented itself to take place in a big basket and take a ride with Archimedes. The experience was simply incredible. Usually, a thrill ride is associated with break-neck speeds and tight corners. This was something else entirely. Shocking discovery number one: The thrill is in the tranquility! imagine that!

Usually, things are made more exciting by adding things. Adding speed, adding sound, adding sensations. But this relied on the art of leaving things out. No speed, No sound and no tremors. Until only the bare experience remained. It was sensational.

As we took off effortlessly, you could feel that everyone on board understood. No loud OOHH's and AAHH's. There was silence. This silence quickly lead to shocking discovery number two: The sound you pick up from the ground. Even in a sailplane, the sound of the air rushing past the cockpit blocks out the sound from the ground. In the total silence of ballooning, the sounds from people on the ground could reach our ears uninterupted. And Oh my god, people make a lot of noise! people yelling, dogs barking, cars honking their horn, it was like hovering over a chickenfarm! And the fact that we floated above all this sonic madness made us feel like we were somehow not part of it all. Only briefly, it felt like we could see our world from outside. Is this what it is like to see the earth from space?

As we were gliding along, shocking discovery number three was nearing swiftly: Our landing and our re-insertion into the madhouse we so quietly observed only moments ago. A strong breeze blew us along fast as the basket hit the field we were landing in. The giant balloon tore us along the ground violently and toppled our basket over. People were fallling onto each other, yelling, laughing, cries of relief... we were back on the planet.

Jeroen Breukels

The plastic hat debacle

Humans are an interesting bunch. Out of all the interesting living beings on this planet, we stand out like Keith Richards at an insurance sale. Of course there are many reasons for this and one of my favorite ones is the invention of the helmet. Like Jerry Seinfeld said before: Why did humans invent the helmet? Well we were engaging in activities that were cracking our heads. But unlike any other sane living being, we chose not to avoid these activities. Oh no. We chose to make little plastic hats so we could continue our head-cracking lifestyles.

I am an avid motorcyclist and here in the Netherlands, you have no choice. Helmets are mandatory. Anyone you talk to here is basically 100% convinced that helmets are a good idea. But in America, the discussion is far more interesting. Pro-Helmet people and Contra-helmet people battle eachother fiercely, throwing back and forth seemingly solid statistical data. Anyone with even the smallest amount of knowledge about statistics knows that it's all about interpretation of the numbers. Given enough reasoning, you can prove an elephant can hang from a cliff with its tail tied to a daisy. So the statistical discussion is not that interesting to me. But if you take the statistics out of the equation, you are left with a rather simple discussion. The contra-helmet people will tell you that a helmet will restrict your view, muffle your ears from hearing the sounds of traffic and will snap your neck like a twig under the extreme G-forces that will occur during a crash. The pro-helmet people will tell you that it's better to have a sheet of plastic between you and the road when you slam into it. I have to be honest, I felt there is merit to both agruments.

As the picture at the top of this blog will testify, I am guilty of riding without a helmet as well. This particular picture was taken on one of the busiest highways snaking though Miami. Up to now, I have clocked about 3000 kilometers riding Harley Davidsons in America and about three times that riding a Kawasaki in Europe. Remember that statement about the "unrestricted view"? Well if you go over 50 km per hour, you need to wear goggles. If you don't, the wind will basically blind you. Try looking straight into a hairdryer and you will get an inkling of what I mean. These goggles restrict your view just as much as a helmet does! Second, sound! Believe me, with wind blowing past your ears, you won't here much more than: WHOOOOOSH. As for the neck-snapping, i can't testify to that as I have never crashed. But a head weighs about 5 kilograms, a helmet weighs about 1 kilogram. I'm not sure the 20% weight increase will suddenly make a dramatic difference.

So, no reason to not wear a helmet? Well, there's a catch. There is simply no substitute for feeling the wind in your hair as you ride along the highway at 140 km per hour. The feeling of freedom is simply astounding. And there you have it! Here the pro and con camps are battling eachother on the basis of fact and statistics. And all the while, the real crux is an irrational one. It's the same reason why people jump from planes with an oversized unbrella strapped to their backs. Sometimes you just want to something that makes you feel free. I know, it makes no sense. But be honest! you feel it to..... don't you!

Jeroen Breukels

Blimps and kites

Kites have literally been known for thousands of years. Blimps, or Zeppelins, were thought to be THE means of mass passenger transport in the 1920's and 1930's. One could say that both are an old idea and both were very highly regarded in the past. Kites often had religious significance in Asia. They also had a large contribution to our understanding of the dynamics of modern aircraft configurations. A feit most often overlooked these days (I thought i'd mention it seeing that today it is exactly 111 years ago that Otto Lilienthal crashed and died). Blimps fell out of grace after the horrible incident with the Hindenburg 70 years ago. And even though the concept didnt completely dissapear, none of the modern instances managed to attain the same level of grandeur.

So, two old ideas.. and no one ever put them together! you see, that is what I love about science and engineering. You can be standing in the shower and suddenly think up something that has never been done before!

Lately I have been involved in designing a launch system for the Laddermill using a 25-foot helium blimp. It suddenly seemed so obvious. Much of the time, the winds close to the ground are too erratic to launch a kite. But once you manage to get it above 50-100 meters, it'll fly just fine. Getting a kite up to 50 meters in low wind conditions is like trying to get smoke into a coke bottle with a baseball bat! You know the smoke fits in the bottle, you just can't manage to get it in there. Running, pulling on the tethers, giving it slack, running again... this kind of proces is exhausting, and may very well yield no results whatsoever.

In comes the blimp, with its 23 cubic meters of helium, it has a nett. buoyancy of 11kg. We stand and watch how it effortlessly transcends the first 50 meters of altitude. With no fuss it pierces what was for us an impenetrable wall. Fantastic! we can use it to piggy-back a kite to an altitude where there is sufficient clean wind. The kite is a Peter Lynn Venom, a kite in the shape of half a circle. This shape fits nicely over the top of the blimp like a saddle on a horse. All it needs now is to be fixed during ascend and to be released on command. Making use of a few hardpoints on the blimp, carefully taking into account the introduction of potentially large forces into the fragile blimp material (Oh that 1st year mechanics course sure is paying off now :) ), the kite is strapped to its back.

At first, i had expected it all to look a bit comical. But actually, it looks very natural. Like the whole thing is saying to us: why didn't you think of us before? And thus, an old idea solves a new problem. And this is why you should never throw out your old notes. Never discard those old back-of enveloppe sketches. You never know what can bail you out!

Jeroen Breukels.

Start of a habit

It is not often that one conciously recognizes the start of a habit. This would be one for me. funny thing, it's not that special at all. I guess that is why usually people dont notice the start of a habit. it's just not worth the attention. It's the end of a habit which seems to be the more interesting bit. from my current mood I can deduct that the beginning is pretty much in line with everything else that is going on. basically the same local derivative. At the end though, the orthogonality of the habit with respect to the rest of your life is what tends to get you. No wonder people pay the most attention to the end....

... and that marks the end of the beginning... All that is left is the middle part.... and the end ;)

Jeroen Breukels.