Telephone hell

Let me share with you an actual conversation I had today:


Jeroen Breukels:

Hi, this is jeroen.


Voice on the other side:

Sir! Good afternoon and congratulations!


Jeroen Breukels:

Thank you! now tell me why you are congratulating me.


Voice on the other side:

Sir, are you aware what supports you every single day of your life? What is always there for you?


Jeroen Breukels:

You better not say "god" to me.


Voice on the other side:

Even better. Your floor sir! Your floor is like a steady rock in your home experience.


Jeroen Breukels:

no shit eh..


Voice on the other side:

Sir, for something so significant in your life, it deserves to be taken care of and to be nurtured. It is the least we can do! don't you agree?


Jeroen Breukels:

Are we still talking about my floor?


Voice on the other side:

Most definately. We provide the means to you for taking care of your floors. with special high-grade oils from India, we are able to transform your wooden floors into a gorgeous wonder of interior decor.


Jeroen Breukels:

That would be quite a trick....



Voice on the other side:

Yes wouldn't it!


Jeroen Breukels:

... especially considering I have carpet throughout my house.



Voice on the other side:

*silence* ...... Sir, do you mean to tell me you have not experienced the joy of genuine wooden floors? The material from the bussem if mother nature itself??


At this point, i can tell she's switching into telemarketing overdrive. the fact that she gets so over excited can mean but two things. She is either genuinely passionate about wooden floors... or she is so used to be blown off in seconds, this is the longest conversation she has ever had with a potential client, she smells success. Little does she know, her enthusiasm over something so mundane as a wooden floor has spiked my curiosity into the mind of this voice on the other side of the phoneline. What goes on in her head??? we continue


Jeroen Breukels:

No I have no wooden floors, perhaps the red cross can be of assistence to undo this injustice!


Voice on the other side:

haha sir, you are funny. but a wooden floor is no laughing matter. Neither is the fact that you are extemely lucky.


Jeroen Breukels:

Really? Just a second ago i was doomed.


Voice on the other side:

On the contrary, I can make you an offer you cannot refuse. If you decide now, i can offer you a spectacular deal on our royal castle hardwood floorsystem.


Jeroen Breukels

Your floor is a "system"?


Voice on the other side:

Yes, it may sound expensive, but it is guaranteed to last at least fifty years!!


Jeroen Breukels:

Good god woman! fifty years? Let me ask you something. How old are you?


Voice on the other side:

eh.. 22.


Jeroen Breukels:

Now imagine all the things you have done so far. Al your years from kindergarten to now... all the joys.. all the sorrows... the summers and the winters.... 22 years is a pretty long time right?


Voice on the other side:

Eh, yes.....


Jeroen breukels:

Can you name one material thing that has been constant through all that time. something you have owned for the entire 22 years?


Voice on the other side:

eh..... no.....


Jeroen Breukels:

And you are telling me to buy something that lasts more than twice your age?? Seriously, in 50 years, I will be 82 years old! I will have lived an entire lifetime, travelled millions of kilometers, had thousands of meals and loved a lifetime. and you are telling me that through this entire lifetime, i will be sitting on the same wodden floor???


Voice on the other side:

eh.. well sir, you have to understand....


Jeroen Breukels:

Hang on there .... imagine I am on my floor at 80 years old! can you imagine me calling you up: Yeah remember you sold me this floor 48 years ago? well, i just made a dent!! can you come over and replace my floor please? Yeah I know you are 70 years old, but you promised!!!


Voice on the other side:

Well we have....


Jeroen Breukels:

Do you have even the faintest inkling how stupid an argument it is to say a freakin floor will last 50 years? Its me giving you unlimited access to mars! its a really big place, you know! Moronic!


Voice on the other side:

*silence*...


Jeroen Breukels:

Bushfires, vulcanic eruptions, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, grid lock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabbies, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampeeds, bank failures, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, heat, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, the plague, failures of will, chain reactions, foot rot, voodoo curses, broken glass, snake bites, public ridicule, breach of contract, random violence, family scandals, charletans, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, frostbite, metal fatigue, sneak attacks, peer pressure, birth defects, false advertisement, unfaithful children, corporal punishment, vigilantes, financial ruin, mildew, loss of priviliges, drugs, wide spread chaos, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical burn, locusts, food poisoning, shipwrecks, prowlers, faulty stairs, carbon deposits, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, intestinal bleeding, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled worshippers, global warming, large sharks, rotten meat, broken promises, contamination of the wattersupply, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rqampaging moose, cluster headaches, social isolation, lou garrets desease, the contraction of the universe, papercuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of god and paranoia! and through all that which life will throw at me....... you are actually telling me...... that the one thing which will be there no matter what... the one thing which will keep me sane..... is my damn hardwood floor????


Voice on the other side:

Well... eh.....


Jeroen Breukels:

I suggest this is wherewe hang up the phone. Hang up the phone and get another job!


Voice on the other side:

I see... oh my...


Jeroen Breukels:

I know, its a shock to suddenly see.


Voice on the other side:

wow... i need...


Jeroen Breukels

Yes you do. I wish you the best of luck.





That last sentence was in vain as the connection was already broken from the other end and ony a beep was to be heard. my work was done! I can't wait for the next telemarketer to call me *GRIN*



~Jeroen Breukels

Last thoughts from China

I feel I have to say something about the Olympic games. Surely, you are aware that the 2008 olympic games will be held in Beijing. Every facet of life in Beijing is currently dominated by the Olympic games. I myself am NOT a sportsfan. I feel that sports is something you need to do, not watch. I’d rather watch paint dry than sit through an entire match of soccer.

Only once in my life have I actually enjoyed watching a sports match. It was a baseball game in Philadelphia. This was basically because it was a big place, I was with people I enjoyed being with and for most of the time, I had no idea what was going on. Now that’s entertainment. Discussing endlessly weather or not some player’s ankle has healed properly to me is about as fun as having my nipple bitten off by a beaver. No thank you.

But there it is: the Olympic games. And its being painted onto Beijing like a fresh coat of paint on a rusty barge. Leave the barge alone! It may be rusty, but it has character! Its beautiful. No one needs an Ipod in a classic ford T-bird okay! But the end of my dismay was a long way off. The peak of my Olympic discomfort had yet to reach its spectacular height. It came to me when I visited the Great Wall of China. As I climbed the first steps and felt that any second the stunning view of a few kilometres of great wall snaking through a luscious valley below would be revealed to me, my elation died and sank into my shoes when I laid eyes on a relentless monstrosity which was placed in plain view. I giant, hollywood-like sign sporting the logo of the Olympic games. To the side of the symbol the sign read: “One World One Dream”. Yeah that’s exactly what we need. One world having only one dream! Lets just all conform and have the same damn dream. Give me a break! I wonder what all those millions of people who built the great wall would have thought. I’ll bet you all of those people only had one dream. Right before they were plastered into the very wall we are all walking on. It’s a damn sacrilege!

So I would like to appeal to the Chinese people, all 1.3 billion of you. Yes I am now talking directly to the people of china (if only they could read this, all blogs are banned in china and blocked from the internet). Please, set sail for the Great Wall of China in Balading. Gather as many people as you can and set fire to that sign! It has no place there. There is no room for a starbucks in the louvre! We do not want a McDonalds in the Taj Mahal! Some places deserve our respect!

Jeroen Breukels

And yet even more thoughts from China

Usually, when I visit another country, I try to at least speak a few small words of the native language. Perhaps I have the illusion I’ll blend and experience the place for what it really is. This illusion was never more ridiculous as it was in China.

Before I flew to Beijing, I practiced on a few words of Chinese, just what I learned off the internet. And boy, did I come up short! Apart from “Nihau”, not a single word I spoke was understood by my Chinese friends! They just stared at me and smiled politely. Much later I learned that a single word can have as much as five completely different meanings, just by pronouncing them differently. And these differences are far from obvious. They are extremely subtle. I felt like I had a fat tongue, making a complete hash of everything I said!

“Hi I poop walk dishwasher from here to India completely sleep horse walk surely smile!” This must be how I sounded to many of the Chinese I tried to converse with. Looking back, it’s funny as hell. I just wish a chinese tourist would come up to me in Amsterdam and talk to me like that. We’d be friends for life!

Jeroen Breukels

Even more thoughts from China

I am standing on the Great Wall of China and I am thinking about what someone on the street in Beijing told me about the wall. “You are not a real man until you have climbed the Great Wall of China!” Now I can imagine all kinds of initiation rites into becoming a man, and they are all far more taxing than climbing a brick wall. Not to be mistaken, I am in complete AWE over the Great Wall of China. But not over the workout it provides while walking on it. No I am in awe over its construction!

The Great Wall Of China stretches over 6700 kilometers! That’s the same distance as from Los Angeles to Iceland! From New York to Rio de Janeiro! Seriously folks, that’s impressive! Moreover, the construction literally took many millions of people, of which about one million died during the construction. Their bodies buried within the wall. So not only is it a big wall, its also the biggest tomb in the world!

What blows my mind is the fact that today, we could never build such a thing. You may think we are at the peak of our capabilities at this point in time with our space travel, DNA research, flat-screen TV’s, GPS navigation, voice-activated light switches, apple-flavoured dental floss, disposable cameras and chocolate body-paint kits. But to build something like the Great Wall of China, we simply don’t have the resources or the manpower to get it done. And even if we had, it would cost enough money to simultaneously bankrupt several medium-sized countries! It can’t be done anymore.

The Great Wall of China, The pyramids, the Taj Mahal… they are but a few examples of structures we cannot build anymore. So we need to be extra careful with the ones we have. Because when they are gone, all we are left with are merely condo’s, sheds and outhouses compared to these great structures.

Jeroen Breukels

More thoughts from China

This blog comes in the form of a question. Let me ask you good folks something: Have we turned into Lemmings, ladies and gentlemen? I will explain.

To me, travel is all about exploration. That is why I hardly ever go to a place twice unless A) I have to be there for work or friends or B) I haven’t explored the place enough the first time around and there are still things for me to see. Exploration is a solitary action. This doesn’t mean you do it alone though, a group of explorers works just as good. You go out into the big world and have mad adventures! Dangerous ones too! Seriously, people need a little danger in their lives. It will remind you why you are alive in the first place. Exploration, ladies and gentlemen, is the practice of stepping out in the dark and experience new experiences. I’m sure you agree. So what in the name of all that is good and holy are all these people doing on organized tours??

When I was visiting the Ming Tombs in China, everywhere I looked I saw groups of people calmly following tour guides holding out a little flag on a little pole. Every one of the obedient followers donned a red hat. This is done so the shepherd with the flag can keep his flock of sheep together. Like drones they huddle after the little flag, taking in the rich Chinese culture in convenient bite-size chunks. This is not exploration!

Imagine what the world would have looked like if Columbus landed in the new world, and he would have simply followed the little flag, wearing a red hat. “Hello everyone, lets welcome to the group… Christopher. He’s from Italy, but got booked through a spanish travel agent. What do you do for a living Mr. Columbus”. “Oh I am an entrepreneur, I look for new real estate to develop, you know…”.. “Oh that’s nice. Ladies and gentlemen, today we will be visiting an authentic native American village. We will experience canoe-making and have our picture taken with a real Indian chief!! Afterwards you are able to visit the gift shop and buy your very own peace pipe… or tomahawk… depending on your intentions. Please don’t forget to tip, thank you!” Give me a break!

Travel = exploration… exploration = freedom… freedom = excitement… excitement = danger! These are the four basic equations of the travelling man or woman! If I catch another group of drones being dragged along the worlds largest ball of twine, I am going to grab that little flag and have those lemmings march straight into a deep ravine! Thank you.

Jeroen Breukels

Thoughts from China

I have been spending some time in the People’s Republic of China, Beijing to be more exact, the political capitol of the country. This is a place which is interesting, beautiful and freighting all at the same time. First off, you have to remember that China is not a free country. It is not a democracy. And if you look carefully, you will notice, with increased frequency, what this means for a country.

When you first land in Beijing and you walk along Chang’An avenue down to Tiananmen square, you are almost convinced you are walking in a western city. Forget about what you may think about China being a country from the dark ages. Everything is very modern, from the giant neon signs all the way down to the McDonalds restaurants. But then, as you walk onto Tiananmen square, you see Mao’s giant portrait hanging over the entrance into the forbidden city, and you know you are not in New York City! All around the giant square, there are large buildings which look like those eastern European or Russian buildings you used to see in the movies in the 1980’s. You know, there would be a scene with the text: “In the meantime, at KGB headquarters in Moscow”. On the roof of these imposing buildings there are dozens of red flags flapping in the wind, reminding you of the communist roots of this country’s current administration.

But what gets to you the most is the enormous amount of military police in the streets. Especially on Tiananmen square. No matter where you look, the police is ever watchful. A giant black SWAT bus is always parked at the edge of the square, reminding you that as soon as the shit hits the fan, they will come into action and forcefully restore the peace. There is literally enough police to occupy Paris!

As I walked across the square I am left with a bizarre feeling. Only 18 years ago, this is where a giant massacre took place. It all seems so quiet and friendly now. Two shy Chinese girls ask if they can take their picture with me. Apparently, they have never seen a westerner before. People are sitting on the pavement reading books. Some are taking pictures and are enjoying the sun which warmed the tiles. But I know that 18 years ago, these very same tiles were not warmed by the sun but by blood that was spilled on them. I have a feeling that this tranquillity I experience is as thin as a hair. Even the slightest outburst, and this seemingly tranquil place turns into a battlefield. It is this sense of presence which frightened me most.

As I walk back along Chang’An avenue and I stop where the famous photo was taken of a man, carrying nothing more than a bag, boldly steps in front of a column of chinese-made type 59 tanks. The photo hit the international media like a slug from a cannon. The man became internationally known as “Tank Man”. To this day, the whereabouts of this man are unknown. Some say he lives in secrecy, some say he is still in a Chinese prison and some say he was sentenced to death and shot (in which case the Chinese government sends the bill for the bullet to the family of the executed. Nice touch!). I stand there for a while, recalling that picture. Other people are walking by not even paying an odd glance. Most Chinese people probably don’t even know. There is no way for them to learn what happened because the government censures everything. I tried to pull up a picture in my hotel room in China only to find out that every single site on the internet which could say something bad about China has been banned and blocked. Not even wikipedia can be consulted. Like I said, it’s a bizarre place.

I’m not one to assume I know how to run a country. Us westerners are always quick to state that democracy is the best form (or as Churchill put it: the least bad form) of government. But much as we are brought up with the idea of democracy, Chinese people are brought up under the wings of the state, a state which has totalitarian power. They will look at the situation quite differently. I am not even going to try and make a judgement call here. All I want to say is that for a Dutch boy like me, it was quite a trip.

Jeroen Breukels